Tales From the Wilderness

Editors Note: This entry might be the most boring thing ever written. I decided after re-reading this that the only thing worse than a slide show of someone's vacation is a blog posting with photos and snarky comments. Proceed with caution...

This might end up being the longest post in the history of The Skog Blog. So feel free to stop reading at any point this seems monotonous or boring. I would like to present to you - Skog Survivor - Tales From the Wilderness.

Friday Sept 12, 2008

The Skogs, Bells, half of the Skousens and Crazy Sue embark north to the wild lands of Island Park. For some odd reason we decide to drive the 1997 Oldsmobile Touring Sedan (heretofore referred to as "El Duque") thinking that it will allow us to travel in class and luxury. Well 40 miles into our travels near disaster strikes. BING! The check engine light turns on. Do we stop? Do we keep on trucking? Well we decide to tempt fate and keep on trucking. As I drove and having never been to Island Park before I found myself pondering, "would it be more Island or Park?" Sadly, it was neither. It was the wilderness my friends... the Great Outdoors, yea even the Great Unknown. Just take a looksie at our accommodations.



Seriously, one blanket? Only two lamps? One fire place? Do they want us to freeze? And look closely at the grill outside on the covered deck... yep, propane. Propane? I don't grill on anything but charcoal or natural gas. What are we savages?


So how are we supposed to calm the nerves of our children when dealing with such discomfort and rough surroundings? Well the kids made it approximately 47 seconds before heading straight into the Hot Tub.

Here is Pimp Daddy Max enjoying time with his lovely ladies...

With calm nerves and full stomachs the house went to bed in preparation for the first day out with Mother Nature.

Saturday Sept 13, 2008

Bright and early the next morn (and brighter and earlier for some more than others - (Thanks Little Toots!) we headed into the Great Outdoors - Yellowstone. In order to keep a semblance of brevity I will spare you the history of Yellowstone and just provide a few pics with details. As we enter the West entrance we proceed along the highway at a nice cruising speed of 45 mph (which the stern but fair Ranger had explained to us was the top speed in the park as we drove through the gate). Life is good. I'm not sure if it is the Universe, Mother Nature or stronger forces at work but our check engine light turns off. All of the sudden as we come around the bend there is a traffic jam. Brakes are pumped, tires are squealed and our journey is nearly over before it began. "What's the deal?" I soon find out that everyone had stopped to see an (gasp!) Elk!!! An Elk? Well for crap's sakes let's bail out now. I actually stayed in the car because little Toots had needed some sleep (see previous statement above) and had passed out. Here is Sweet Pea enjoying a glimpse of the stunning, traffic stopping Elk.

Next stop was the Midway Geyser Basin which includes some stinky pools, the Grand Prismatic Spring and the Excelsior Glacier. Toots loved it. Covered up her diaper wiff I imagine.


Sweet Pea also loved it.




And Wheels, like some kind of 1980's music video vixen, enjoyed the steam.

The caravan continued onward towards Old Faithful. I knew I was in for something special when I saw this vehicle pull in next to El Duque.

The picture doesn't quite do it justice. This car was amazing. The interior was immaculate, completely restored. It was all I could do to refrain from handing the owner a check for $20,000. They were Canadians though so it would have cost me $21,407 and that might have been just a bit too much.

We soon found out that Old Faithful had just erupted and we had about 1 hour and 15 minutes (give or take 10 min) to wait. So like any good Mormon kids we waited and waited patiently for the money shot. Well even the 10 "take" of the give and take minutes passed and it was apparent that Old Faithful was getting old and was not nearly as faithful. Then out of nowhere a crow (or perhaps a Raven or some sort of black, ominous bird) landed directly in front of the geyser. Soon after another landed. Don't believe me - here's proof:




And then ladies and gents of the Skog Blog I give you Mother Nature's Money Shot...




At that point the natives were getting a little restless. There may or may not have been some screaming by children and adults in El Duque. Sadly we arrived at what ended up being the highlight of the trip but we were in no frame of mind to enjoy it to it's fullest.

The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone and the Lower Falls (or maybe the Upper Falls we never figured it out)



Long day. I think Little Toots looks exactly like we all felt. Ready for some much needed sleepy time. Unfortunately Toots had more devious plans for us (again.)


Sunday September 14, 2008

At this point on the trip I was a little tired and punchy. Much like any reader of this blog who has lasted to this point of the travelogue. I'll be more brief.

AB's sweaty back (good grief man it's only 10:30 AM), Priscilla and part of Millie's face at Gibbon Falls


Aerial view of the Artists Paint Pots - if you start on the dirt path on the left side of the picture that white blog next to the wood fence is myself, P, Millie, and Toots. It was a shame there were steps and the stroller couldn't make it up. I was sorely disappointed to miss the hike. Wheels took one for the team and carried on without us. Nicely done Wheels.

On our way to Tower Falls we stopped for a quick shot of the Canyon of the Crescent Moon. Ok I have no idea what it was called but kudos to those of you who got the Last Crusade reference.

And finally we arrived at the Tower Falls (apparently I have a real Waterfall fetish - they call to me...) I would have loved to take a classy family photo that perhaps could be used on a Christmas card or something but instead some old people had either died or decided to retire on the lookout point so after several minutes of waiting I got the following fantastic photos:

Sweet Pea trying to see the falls through a crack in the fence and some old person's butt

And Wheels and poor Toots squished between other old people

That was it for Yellowstone and we headed back to our extremely roughin' it living arrangements. I just so happened to be on dinner duty for Sunday night. I grilled up some of the meanest garlic burgers that Island Park has ever seen. Mikey decided to take my garlic burgers a step further however. If you are queasy do not look at the next picture. If they ever show what was actually in the Ark that melted the faces of the Nazis or what was in the briefcase that Jules and Vincent Vega needed to return so desperately to Marcellus, I would have to imagine this was it:

Even the camera was intimidated and wouldn't take a clear shot of it. It was a bratwurst sandwiched in between 2 garlic burgers with cheese loaded with pepper bacon and all of the usual burger fixins.

Nothing was done to alter any of those pictures. The black and yellow stains on Mikey's face are the real deal.

One might think after eating a burger that would show up on the menu at Chilis called, "The Cardiac Arrest" a person would want to rest. Well not Big Mikey. As soon as he finished the burger he slapped on his Mr. Incredibles outfit and went out to patrol the streets of Island Park with Mr. Freeze. We salute you Mikey. You are a good true American hero.

Monday September 15, 2008

Checkout 11:00 AM. You would think we would have had enough but NO, not the Skogs. We are Survivors! AB sweet talked us all into enjoying a nice, leisurely float down a fork of the Snake River. So we embarked on this journey. However, we quickly realized that in order for our raft to float there needs to be more than 6 inches of water. Our poor raft was dragging on the bottom of the river for most of the journey. 3 hours, 5 miles, and 14 sunburns later we made it.

Because I'm a believer in you have to give and receive some chop busting I will post this picture of myself. Even though it might be the worst possible picture KG has ever taken after roughing it for 3 days. I tried to go the whole time without showering and shaving. Wheels didn't enjoy the no showering part but let's pretend that I didn't just to make the following picture easier to see. And let's pretend I was sticking out my gut for comedic effect (affect) because I was. Or just focus on Toots. That little life jacket on her might be the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

I paddled for 3 hours straight but at least I had a solid crew.

However once we pushed into hour 3, the movie star Millie was passed out, the Skipper Henry was his cantankerous self but Gilligan Toots continued to enjoy life in her own oblivious world.

Lest you think I hated this trip, I didn't. I like to kid. And I'd like to thank the Bells for putting this all together and dragging my butt out for some much needed fresh air and laughs. Good times and good memories.

And So It Begins...The Horror!!!

This is 3 year old Sweet Pea (she informed me on Sunday that she didn't like being called "Poops" any more and I could call her "Sweetie" or "Sweet Pea") getting ready for her 3rd day of pre-school... I thought I was safe from this for at least 10 more years. Oh how I look forward to the early morning fights between her and Toots over the limited bathroom counter space...

More Housekeeping

I said I was going to introduce commenter Rob to the Skog Blog over the weekend and never did. Although his self intro as Willow minus the magic was HIGH comedy. Well the man, who is already a reader favorite, deserves a proper intro. Rob (not to be confused with Robb of Robb and Melissa's blog fame) is a talented singer/songwriter/yoga instructor/all around cool dude. Rob and I worked together for 3 years under the tyranny of Dogface and we bonded over our love of good tunes and Great Harvest cookies. Corbie likes to say that she has certain friends who are such good friends that they'd help her bury a body, well if I ever am wrongly imprisoned for my association with Corbie, Rob is the kind of friend who would write a powerhouse protest song a la Bob Dylan's "Hurricane" and get me out. "Here comes the story of the Cap-i-tan..." And don't kid yourself man, you are like Willow + musical skills + even more magic abilities which makes you some kind of super dwarf. Anyway, welcome to the Skog Blog Rob, your banter is always enjoyed.

One other new commenter is Ms. Pennylane. She is a friend of Corbie's (I'd dare call her Corbie's enforcer) and her comedy and threats are always appreciated here as well.

The Music You Should Be Listening to Right NOW!!

I have a feeling that this music suggestion is going to go over about as well as the Cardigans (probably worse) but as a music lover I stick with my bands through anything. This band is actually a special request (I do take requests if I actually like the tunes) by my boy Flanksteak. We both fell in love with this band shortly after I returned home from my mission. The band had a video on MTV that was the catchiest song and most awesome video in the history of music television. So who is this mystery band? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jamiroquai. The song - Virtual Insanity.

Many of you are probably thinking, "I hate that stupid song..." well guess what then? I hate you. Wheels used to say, "I hated that stupid song..." until I played it so often that I broke her down. Being a fan of MJ, especially old school MJ, I convinced her that Jamiroquai was as good or better than the King of Pop. Jay Kay (the lead singer) is like MJ without the horrific surgery and weird personal life.

Here's another song, "Space Cowboy." Don't mind the blatant drug overtones or the Steve Miller lyric ripoff this song is great.

And finally, "Seven Days in Sunny June," for those of you who couldn't allow the Cardigans to help keep summer around all year long, this song is for you.

I'm telling you, pick up their greatest hits or beginner album as brohammas likes to call those types of records and I guarantee it will make even the geekiest of us dance.

A Bedtime Story

I realize it is Monday Music Night. However, I'm tired and after the Cardigans debacle of last week I'm not sure that I'm ready to throw my music pearls before you swine. I kid. I'm just tired and I think a bedtime story (I dare say even a fable) is better suited for tonight.

The COCOnut Tree

a fable

by KG

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Kagee. Kagee was a strange boy and he loved music more than anything else in the entire world. One day as he was wandering through town an old newspaper blew towards him as he walked down the street. As the paper got closer it seemed to stop in mid-air and Kagee carefully snagged it and glanced at the front page headline. "Ben Folds Five to Reunite" the headline screamed at Kagee. Now this was definitely news that deserved to be on the front page. Kagee giddily ran from door to door throughout town proclaiming, "Ben Folds Five are coming, Ben Folds Five are coming!"

"Shut Up you crazy idiot!" shouted an old man from his porch, "can't you read?"

Confused, Kagee once again opened the paper and proceeded to read the article and not just the headline. He soon realized that although Ben Folds Five would be playing together again, the reunion would be held in the Far Away Kingdom of North Carolina.

"Good luck getting there you fool," laughed the old man once more.

Dejected, Kagee walked slowly into the forest. What he wouldn't give to make this dream a reality but he he knew that the odds were not in his favor. As Kagee sat down to drink some Yerba Mate and rest a boisterous voice said, "Hey Kagee, why so sad?"

Kagee looked around in wonder but no one was there. Again Kagee heard the voice, "You don't remember me do you Kagee?"

Kagee spun around trying to catch the sneaky voice but again saw no one. "What in the world?" Kagee thought, "the only thing here is this coconut tree," he muttered to himself.

"You're right Kagee, just me, this simple old coconut tree," she stated.

"This is crazy. Coconut trees can't talk..."

"Well I'm not just any coconut tree Kagee, I'm a COCOnut tree and I am magic. Don't you remember me? I used to be just a coconut and when you were a baby you would play with me until one day you planted me in the ground to see if I could become a tree. Well here I am. So why are you so sad?"

"Well, uh, you see there's this special concert and it's my dream to attend but it's so far away it will never happen," Kagee said rather pathetically.

"If you believe it will be Kagee, it can be," the wise tree declared.

"You silly tree," Kagee stated, "I think you are more Nuts than COCO. I'll see you later."

"Just remember Kagee, if you believe it will be, it can be..."

The next day Kagee went to try and secure the golden tickets to get into the concert of a lifetime. Try as he might he could not convince the keepers of the tickets to give him any and once again he left town feeling sorry for himself. Before he knew it he had once again wandered near his old friend the COCOnut tree.

"How did it go Kagee?" the COCOnut asked.

"Not good, I knew it wouldn't happen. It would have taken a miracle and they don't come my way too often."

"You didn't believe Kagee did you? Remember yesterday when I said I was a magic tree?"

"Yes I do," Kagee replied.

"Do you believe that I could get you tickets to the show?"

"Come on COCO, stop making fun," Kagee whimpered.

"If you believe it will be, Kagee, it can be. Take these coconuts," the tree said, lowering a branch.

"Crack them open, do it. If you believe it will be it can be."

"Whatever," Kagee said sarcastically as he smashed the coconuts together. Much to his surprise two golden tickets fell to the ground. "What the?" stated an astonished Kagee. "You really are magic."

"I told you Kagee. Now what would you say if I told you I have the ability to help you fly anywhere in the world."

"Well five minutes ago I would have called you nuts again but now with these golden tickets in my hand all bets are off," Kagee replied excitedly.

"Here, take this coconut," the tree declared, once again lowering her branch.

"But, COCO, those are your last two coconuts... I, uh, I can't take them, then all of your magic will be gone."

"What good are my magic coconuts if they remain on my branches in the forest in the middle of nowhere? Perhaps, I'll be able to grow more coconuts. Don't worry about me, just take them."

So Kagee removed the last coconuts from the tree, gently tapped one and in a flash was whisked thousands of miles away to the land of North Carolina where he enjoyed the greatest music experience of his life. After the show ended he tapped the final coconut and was immediately home.

The next morning was a beautiful summer's day. The plants in the forest were all green and the sun shone down on the singing birds. Kagee ran through the forest until he finally saw the tree. "COCOnut!" he shouted. "Thank you so very much! What can I ever do to repay you?"

"Just don't forget about me, ever, not even in 40 years when my magic is gone," the tree replied.

And Kagee handed the tree some yerba mate and said, "Don't worry tree, if you believe it will be it can be."

The End

I hope that everyone has friends like the coconut tree and I hope we can be our friends' coconut tree whenever we can as well.

Good night my friends, as Mr. Folds says, "Let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams."

Postscript - In no way is this story affiliated with "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. This is a work of pure fiction. Any similarities to the Giving Tree are purely coincidental. I swear.